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The listings for the John F. Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. features a playful bilingual show and an ad-libbed theatrical company. Notably missing from the public schedule is the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup draw, likely because it is a exclusively closed-door event. Organizers appear determined to prevent any uninvited guests from darkening the doorstep at what promises to be an excessively long, self-aggrandizing ceremony where highly compensated dignitaries will undoubtedly parrot the tired platitude that "soccer unites the world."

A Star-Studded Line-Up

A glamorous event is scheduled to be hosted by television personality Heidi Klum together with diminutive US standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the star power will be American football legend Eli Manning on welcoming duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Collectively, they will host a production that will certainly have English football fans of a certain age longing for the simpler, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the FA tombola and a reliable fabric pouch of simple, numbered balls.

Scheduled to last nearly three grueling hours, the event will feature a lengthy playlist of speechifying, overly sentimental video montages, scripted gags, celebrity guests, musical turns from acts with either little shame or financial motivations, and then... finally, the actual World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Draw Detail

Included in those helping to carrying out the draw? Basketball giant Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, NFL star Tom Brady and MLB slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting balls under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of charisma exhibited by these ageing sporting legends, short of an armed security team storming the event, it's difficult to envision what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the tone-deaf defence of FIFA's well-documented World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an obsequious spokesperson is any sort of gauge. When asked if tickets should be more affordable for average fans, the response was non-committal. "I think we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely people that are aware of that," was the comment. "But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every area, we could have that discussion about things," he added. The suggestion seemed to be that high prices are acceptable when contrasted with other high-end goods.

The Actual Draw

With 42 countries already secured a place for next year's jamboree and another six set to qualify, there will be a genuine feeling of excitement once the opening acts conclude and the actual draw gets under way. While fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three nations their own country will face in the initial phase, the anticipation will be nothing compared to that which comes before the reveal of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever award for peace for "individuals who help bring together people in peace through unwavering commitment and notable actions." Considering the draw is in Washington and the World Cup is primarily in the United States, guesses about the recipient are ripe, even if the hints are there.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was speaking to the owner today. My relationship with him is rock solid really. I have a real open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have absolutely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a manager whose side on a five-game winless run, providing a classic remark likely to be revisited should a dismissal occur in the future.

Fan Correspondence

• "Regarding the discussion of a possible club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a lower league club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the past, when the opponent was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a certain individual remains on the stage, requiring an encore?"